https://soundcloud.com/teresa-beesa/clouds-in-phases
CLOUDS IN PHASES
By Teresa Stanish
Every cloud has an eyeliner phase.
The phase with knock off blackberry cell phones.
Where raised voices were commonplace
between mothers, fathers, and daughters alike.
Needles through ears to express the self.
For some a phase is a phase, but for others,
the cloud looms about.
Thunders on with a vengeance
Looms overhead in anger for hours.
Dripping in dread over failed math tests.
It’s a damn flash flood of feelings.
The storm rages on under it all.
Try as one might to quell the chaos.
It’s best to invest in storm proof glass. It’s best to build up the concrete foundations,
to reinforce the barricades around those years.
Act like everything’s fine when you have a cringe attack about the awkward phase.
Pray the subconscious cumulonimbus disperse.
Move on and try not to remember.
Leave the liner.
For feedback, I'd love to know if you feel this poem flows, and if what could make it more unique. I'd also love to know what caught your attention and what gate you entered through.
To me, the poem flows really well, there was a slow build-up and then chaotic middle, the last line is my favorite. The ending feels like once a hurricane is over and people move on but there's still a little bit of wind and rain. I would suggest maybe leaning into the cloudy metaphor more, like tying the memories and the cloud imagery together if that makes sense. I think that could make it really unique?? Great job!
I love this poem! I do think it flows well, but even if it was a little choppy in some places I think it just made it sound like choppy waves which adds to the storm metaphor in the poem. Maybe you could do a little more of that and try to enhance that aspect of the poem, like making a line with one word to act as a crack of thunder or something. I think what caught my attention most was the storm and cloud imagery. It worked really well with the emotions the poem was trying to convey. The gate I entered through would probably be sound. That with the storm theme of the poem almost made me hear a thunderstorm at the beach going on in the background. Really good job on this!!