Hi it's me, Arielle also known as Peyton Scott for reference. This poem is pretty different from the others I've written (which is the point I guess) but, different in the sense that there is a meaning behind it, I just didn't have a certain direction I was going with this one compared to my other poems, if that makes sense. I was inspired by a conversation I had and of course the song, dream a little dream of me. I would want my feedback to be based on voice, story and rhetoric. I would like to work on being more descriptive in my poems. Not necessarily story like, but similar in a sense. I am also open to any and all constructive criticism. :)
Here's the link to the recording: https://soundcloud.com/user-791829904/dream-a-little-dream-of-me
Hey Arielle,
Super sorry for the late response. I love the reference to the song. Super cliché of me to say this, but I love how your voice seems very dream-like. I like how you as the speaker get inside the head of the person you're talking about. It seems very ominous. I agree with Ava, maybe give a little more details about this person. What do they look like? I think you could use the dream-like language to reference that person and how their own qualities make you feel. Overall, I really love this. It's very pretty and quite gorgeous.
Hey arielle! Great poem. I really like the way you use this song's message to discuss your own relationship within the poem. Your voice is really strong and it gives the poem a personal touch. You mention that you want your poem to have more of a story, and I agree that narratively, the poem is a bit vague. Maybe try adding in more details about this person and the conversation you had that inspired the poem. Great job!