Audio here.
when we’re on the mattress
and i whisper something breathless
into your neck
i think how a thousand years ago
people danced with each other in summer
and got drunk at parties
and scurried off to make love
in wheatfields
and wildflower beds
even though you got married
cause you really needed
some extra goats
but people still heaved sighs
that swirl around in the atmosphere
to pass in and out of and through
my lungs
and i guess i’m saying i’m grateful
people did
still
will always
fall in love
As far as feedback goes, creative writing has taught me not to use certain "filler" words - "How," "but," "still," "even though," even "the" in the wrong places. I was curious if they're obtrusive in this poem, if they need to be cut out. I tried writing with and without them, and the feel, or the intent, or the taste, or the music felt all wrong to me except, in the form presented above.
Hello Matt!
First and foremost, great work!
As for your concern about filler words, I think you're in the clear. The ones that did pop up in this poem I feel were in the right places structurally, and I didn't feel as if they took anything away from the piece.
For some reason I got a lot of physical feeling from this poem. I could feel myself getting more conscious of my breathing when the speaker mentioned sighs and lungs, and I could physically feel the wildflowers and core stalks on my skin. I feel like that is one of your strong suits, and would love more of that!