Audio here.
when we’re on the mattress
and i whisper something breathless
into your neck
i think how a thousand years ago
people danced with each other in summer
and got drunk at parties
and scurried off to make love
in wheatfields
and wildflower beds
even though you got married
cause you really needed
some extra goats
but people still heaved sighs
that swirl around in the atmosphere
to pass in and out of and through
my lungs
and i guess i’m saying i’m grateful
people did
still
will always
fall in love
As far as feedback goes, creative writing has taught me not to use certain "filler" words - "How," "but," "still," "even though," even "the" in the wrong places. I was curious if they're obtrusive in this poem, if they need to be cut out. I tried writing with and without them, and the feel, or the intent, or the taste, or the music felt all wrong to me except, in the form presented above.
Hello Matt!
First and foremost, great work!
As for your concern about filler words, I think you're in the clear. The ones that did pop up in this poem I feel were in the right places structurally, and I didn't feel as if they took anything away from the piece.
For some reason I got a lot of physical feeling from this poem. I could feel myself getting more conscious of my breathing when the speaker mentioned sighs and lungs, and I could physically feel the wildflowers and core stalks on my skin. I feel like that is one of your strong suits, and would love more of that!
Addressing the feedback you asked for first, I saw little evidence of the "filler" words that you used as examples. My only suggestion would be to go back and look at all the times you used the word "and", then read the line without it and see if it is still necessary. There were a couple of times that I noticed places where it felt more like filler rather than necessary to the rhythm of the poem. When reading this poem, I felt almost like I was hearing something very modern, maybe 20th century--it has a very whimsical feel. I entered this poem through two gates: my mouth and my eyes. I felt myself breathing in when you said "breathless" and "the atmosphere to pass in and out of through my lungs". But I also saw the imagery of the lovers dancing in the field and running off for privacy. You gave a glimpse at a story when you flashed back to lovers in the past, but still looped back around to the present moment. I think, overall, the music and rhythm of your poem are consistent with its message and I wouldn't change any aspect of that. If I were to ask for more of something, it would be to have more "showing" like in the first stanza, I particularly liked the moment on the mattress, I think it would be really great to build on that moment. As a hopeless romantic, I really resonated with this, wonderful writing.
I read this poem with the audio so I could understand the tone. I feel like this was a nice poem and unique way to avoid filler words. I find that the story is not as clear but personally I feel like if the reader thinks about it then they could figure it out. (Poems make sense to those who relate to it). I like the descriptions you used and the "small town" feel that it has. It's a peaceful poem. Maybe, one of acceptance. Overall, I think you did great.