Hi Gabby! I love the details in this poem. I also love how it runs on with lots of prepositions. Things seem to really "pile on" and I like that. I think the stanzas go against that feeling though. I might rework the line breaks/stanza breaks to allow the eye of the reader to just keep going without the pauses. I think there's space, too, for some of those really specific/personal details--like the lined paper and the bubbling pink wine--or maybe just staying more with those images. You could add more prepositions or just more details--maybe some tactile images--what did the paper feel like? the fizz of the wine? etc. The best advice I've heard about endings is to end on an image. I think a version of this poem could end on an image of the speaker. Or if you want to end on the boys (which I'm not a huge fan of. I feel like that gives some of the energy of the poem away) create an image for each of them.

I think this poem makes a lot of "sense" too. So you might want to come up with a fuzzier or weirder title. Is this a poem addressing a stranger? "Someone Asks to Borrow My Calculator"??? OR maybe to a person, "My Little Sister Turns 7"??? As for the comfort zone: I might try throwing in some similes in here and just being really wild about it. Like have a friend pick a random word, or the object closest to them. Then make a simile/metaphor out of it. Next to me is an empty cappuccino cup. "Sun bleached sneakers stained like the inside of a coffee cup, café au lait." For me the magic of this poem is the piling on of images on top of (and under and over and around) other images. I think you could do that even more. Nice work!

Hey, Gabby. Your focus is really evident in the poem - I think you have really strong and surprising word choices that create evocative images. "Caterpillar brunch." "Laser charcoal." "Dew" doused" - which, incidentally, is a good example of how musical your poem is. I think the key to that is your lack of punctuation - the pace of the poem is fast, which combined with your exciting word choices, contributes a lot to the fast, stream-of-consciousness tone of your poem, the flurry of impressions that calls a distant childhood to mind.

I feel the reason you feel so uneasy about the ending is because there needs to be more of one - a more major change in structure that signals the conclusion. As it is, the poem kind of continues in the same way it has, then stops abruptly. There needs to be some sort of variation, or else the poem leaves off feeling like "Well, what then?"

Hi Gabby,

I actually really liked the title and I think it works well for the poem. I feel like the word "sevens" is kind of odd and unique which goes with the poem and it also helps to bring attention to the comparison between the two ages in the poem. For the poem itself I loved it! The imagery is just dripping from this poem and it creates some great voice. I think the ending works for the poem as it is but I could also somewhat tell that you might not know where you were going with it, like you said. You could keep it as it is and just make it a comparative story from two times in the speaker's life or you could focus on something more tangible that connects the two ages. Maybe do this by having the speaker reflect on being seven in the second part. I also wanna mention that I loved the way the butterfly shows up in seven and seventeen, I think it shows how the speaker is still the same girl despite maturing and changing in other ways.

I personally get out of my comfort zone when writing in one of two ways. One way I will try and use a format or sentence structures that I am not very comfortable with by doing translation or syntax poems. I have a style that I am familiar with but am not completely in love with so I like to step out of my comfort zone that way. Another way is I write about something really personal that makes me open up and be super vulnerable in my poetry.

Anyway I loved the poem!!

hi gabby!

i don't want to sound like a repeating record but the imagery and the juxtaposition between seven and seventeen is great. i loved this poem. i agree with ava, that you should do some reflecting in order to figure out the overall message and your lessons between these time frames to conclude the poem. to get out of my comfort zone when writing, i like to look at other pieces of work for inspiration and then i'll write a throwaway poem to try and emulate/practice that format of writing. i also understand your struggle with coming up with titles, but like mat said, the title doesn't always have to give away the poem/match the poem completely. i personally pick titles based off the overall theme or subject of my poem, but just like you, i'm trying to stray away from that as well. anyways, like i said before, i really loved this poem and i would love to see the conclusion if you decide to revise it!

Hi Gabby,

I thought the imagery was great! I love all the details too that make each sentence pop a little more. For not knowing for sure about the title, I like the reference from seven to seventeen, not sure if that was intentional or not but I thought it was great. I think to get out of our comfort zone a little is to write about something we usually wouldn't think or care to write about.

Gabby,

Your focus on imagery payed off, this poem is full of detail and imagery that paint pictures in my head of these defining and specific moments from this narrator's past. I especially like the line, "I smeared cat wings with melted charcoal over baby blue powder". I also loved the repetition of the names between the two ages, demonstrating the evolution from a little girl to a teenager, showing the difference in activities we do once we are older and no longer so innocent. As far as form, I think that this works to your advantage and provides a nice rhythm for your poem. Of course, there is no right or wrong with form, poems take all kinds, and this particular one works well with what you write about. You are trying to decide if the poem is finished, which is entirely up to you, however, things that come in threes have always had a satisfying feeling to them; but maybe that will come when you are 27 years old. I think that your title works, but maybe if you dug deeper to find out what your goal is and what you are trying to get your reader to understand, then maybe you could find a title to convey that idea.

Hi Gabby. First some reason this poem reminds me of an old timey song with its vocabulary. Like a barbershop quartet. It has a lot of imagery, like you said, but it also has a lot of music and rhythm. And I think it's these two combinations that really magnify this playful feeling. The seven and seventeen did feel distinct from each other but both remained the same tone. Not quite sure what to title it that would be better than what you already have.

I love this poem! You have a really great use of imagery and I love the transition between being seven and being seventeen. I think you could develop the tension between those two a little more. What did you get from reflecting on the differences between the two ages? (but keep the last line, bc it is fantastic!)