Hello Kallie,

I love love LOVE the story of your poem. I think it is really beautiful how you addressed something that a lot of individuals deal with. I love how it seems like this is not a new thought for the narrator as well and I would love to see the thoughts being pushed further. I think it could be accomplished by adding more questions or repetition to show how high the stakes are for this person. Overall, you did an amazing job. Thank you!!!

Hi Kallie,

Your poem has a nice use of story, I could visualize you at the park writing this poem while watching your surroundings. The voice of the poet is seen when the poet addresses the world around them. Should they start making “healthier” choices? Should they start running? Should they start eating fruit over cookies? The poet does not have any specific audience that is clearly being addressed.

Hi Kallie!

This poem reminds me of the poem we read where the speaker seems to say that all the people holding the door and doing nice things were doing it for her--especially in your lines of overheard conversation on the sidewalk. That part is really working for me. I think the thoughts on working out and stuff are maybe too direct. They might stand out more if there were some indirection inbetween--more overheard conversations or details, metaphors, etc. I'd stray away, too, from one word lines. It's just a really hard thing to pull of where a single word can carry the weight of an entire line. The final question is an interesting conflict. I think it's important to know what the other end of "healthy" is. And what exactly is meant by "healthy"? Nice work!

hi kallie! i thought your poem was nice and lighthearted. in terms of feedback, i think adding more detail within your poem would add in terms of story. your poem was witty and the voice was strong!

I really love how this poem places you in the middle of the moment being enacted. From my perspective its someone finally seeming to notice the world around them? This poem to me was written in a really cool stream of consciousness type way, which as Ava mentioned did appear to be a bit humorous, especially at the end with the closing line "Who knows?". I would be remiss if I didn't note the thought that was cut off "Did you hear happened to/ What a beautiful day it is" this leads me to believe that the story here might be one of someone who is pressing themselves to focus on lighthearted and happy thoughts as opposed to a bigger and more looming issue?

I'm not sure if you meant for this poem to be humorous, but either way it made me smile! You do a great job of balancing something lighthearted while still asking serious questions. I'm not sure what you are looking for feedback wise, but I think adding a little more details through out the stanzas would help your reader have some direction through the poem. Great job! I really enjoyed reading this.

Wow! Loved this! I liked how simply it was and i still felt like i enjoyed reading it still. If i were to say to add anything it would be maybe some more detail in the scenery around you in the beginning. I still enjoyed it, it felt relaxing in the beginning and i wasn't sure where you were going to go with it, especially with the title. But i liked it and i liked how you added humor into it!

Hi Kallie! First thing I noticed was the change in the narrator's line of thought. The first two stanzas paints this sidewalk view of a beautiful day. The narrator's voice is appreciative and gentle. There's this sudden shift in attention, sort of like the narrator becomes distracted with her own thoughts. If this was intentional I would say make it more obvious. I feel like it should correspond to the title. I like the last line "who knows?" as the title. Sort of gives this "shoulder shrug" tone to the poem - like it just gives us a peek into the narrator casually surfing through their thoughts.

Hi Kallie, nice poem! I thought the lines "Hearing the murmurs of people walking // Up and down the sidewalks // Did you hear what happened to" were especially clever, took me a while to get it, but I did! I also like that this reads like an inner monologue or stream on consciousness. I'm not sure what feedback exactly your looking for, but I think this poem could benefit from a bit more emotion. Is the narrator upset with themselves that they can't make better choices? Do they find it trivial that people try to make healthy choices since we all end up in the same place? I'd like to know!