Hey Cailin! Sorry about the late feedback. I think this is a super unique poem and I love the way you so easily adapt the voice of an animal, which is a difficult task (for obvious reasons). The first line is so striking, because it catches the reader completely off guard and throws stereotype out the window. I'm not sure what feedback you want specifically and this is a very small critique, but in the second to last line when you say "knocked" I think it should be in present tense. I also agree with Mat that some of your lines could be shorter. Great job!!
I'm really into this persona poem. I was also blown away by the first three lines. They are all so different and move very quickly between one scene and another. I might try to keep that quickness going throughout. If the poem finds itself repeating an idea/image, use just one instead of two. There's just so much wildness to be found--barking at the wind, eating stuffing, knocking out phones. I think I just want all explanation and clarification to dissolve in the light of these energetic images.
Also, poems don't have to have a consistent line shape, but it is one way of sort of structuring your poem. You could break up some of those longer lines to match the others. Like
takes me thirty
seconds to scarf it all
down. It's like a talent....Nice work!
(Did you write the other dog poem we read this term? I'd read a chapbook full of poems written from dog perspectives.)
Hi Cailin! Firstly, I wanted to point out what I enjoyed the most about your poem, which is the voice. I felt the voice was gaining momentum progressively through the piece. I want to say I felt the energy increase and it felt like it was gradually becoming more hyper. I do think you could play with this more. I liked how at the end you ended on a wholesome note. Don't change that, it feels like a complete circle. Just don't end on a wholesome note too abruptly.
Cailin, I thought this was a really cute poem. I liked how I didn't realize at first that you were talking about a dog but then could piece it together as the poem went on. I also really appreciated that it is a persona poem and that you made it first person from the perspective of the dog. The lines are a bit choppy but I think that's just the voice of the dog coming through, so it works well. The lines "sometimes i get to run... 30mph coming towards you" seemed to me like there were a couple words missing from it. I also thought those lines didn't flow as well as the rest of the poem. Overall it is a very cute poem that I really enjoyed. Good job!
Hi Cailin! I liked this poem, especially how you crafted it in a way so that it takes the reader a while to put together the pieces that you're talking about a dog. I also appreciate you writing it in the first-person perspective, it's always interesting to see how a writer writes through the mind of another, especially an animal. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for, but I noticed a tonal shift in the poem that caused some tension, specifically between lines 12-13. The first half of the poem is so serious, the second half not as much. I wonder if there is any way for you to kind of buffer this transition so it flows...
Hi! I wasn't sure if there was specific feedback that you wanted but I really enjoyed this poem! I really enjoyed all the details and it felt like I could feel something in each line, I especially enjoyed the "I eat like it's my last meal swallowing my food whole". I am assuming that Whiskey is the name of the dog and I got that more towards the end. I would maybe like to see why he wants more attention, are you not home often or do you have other animals and it feels like he doesn't get enough. Overall great poem :)
Hey Cailin! Sorry about the late feedback. I think this is a super unique poem and I love the way you so easily adapt the voice of an animal, which is a difficult task (for obvious reasons). The first line is so striking, because it catches the reader completely off guard and throws stereotype out the window. I'm not sure what feedback you want specifically and this is a very small critique, but in the second to last line when you say "knocked" I think it should be in present tense. I also agree with Mat that some of your lines could be shorter. Great job!!
Hi Caillin!
I'm really into this persona poem. I was also blown away by the first three lines. They are all so different and move very quickly between one scene and another. I might try to keep that quickness going throughout. If the poem finds itself repeating an idea/image, use just one instead of two. There's just so much wildness to be found--barking at the wind, eating stuffing, knocking out phones. I think I just want all explanation and clarification to dissolve in the light of these energetic images.
Also, poems don't have to have a consistent line shape, but it is one way of sort of structuring your poem. You could break up some of those longer lines to match the others. Like
takes me thirty
seconds to scarf it all
down. It's like a talent.... Nice work!
(Did you write the other dog poem we read this term? I'd read a chapbook full of poems written from dog perspectives.)
Hi Cailin! Firstly, I wanted to point out what I enjoyed the most about your poem, which is the voice. I felt the voice was gaining momentum progressively through the piece. I want to say I felt the energy increase and it felt like it was gradually becoming more hyper. I do think you could play with this more. I liked how at the end you ended on a wholesome note. Don't change that, it feels like a complete circle. Just don't end on a wholesome note too abruptly.
Cailin, I thought this was a really cute poem. I liked how I didn't realize at first that you were talking about a dog but then could piece it together as the poem went on. I also really appreciated that it is a persona poem and that you made it first person from the perspective of the dog. The lines are a bit choppy but I think that's just the voice of the dog coming through, so it works well. The lines "sometimes i get to run... 30mph coming towards you" seemed to me like there were a couple words missing from it. I also thought those lines didn't flow as well as the rest of the poem. Overall it is a very cute poem that I really enjoyed. Good job!
Hi Cailin! I liked this poem, especially how you crafted it in a way so that it takes the reader a while to put together the pieces that you're talking about a dog. I also appreciate you writing it in the first-person perspective, it's always interesting to see how a writer writes through the mind of another, especially an animal. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for, but I noticed a tonal shift in the poem that caused some tension, specifically between lines 12-13. The first half of the poem is so serious, the second half not as much. I wonder if there is any way for you to kind of buffer this transition so it flows...
Hi! I wasn't sure if there was specific feedback that you wanted but I really enjoyed this poem! I really enjoyed all the details and it felt like I could feel something in each line, I especially enjoyed the "I eat like it's my last meal swallowing my food whole". I am assuming that Whiskey is the name of the dog and I got that more towards the end. I would maybe like to see why he wants more attention, are you not home often or do you have other animals and it feels like he doesn't get enough. Overall great poem :)