I’m sorry that I haven’t been myself lately.
And that I keep making you cry.
I’m not the person you thought I was,
I made him up on the fly.
Because I didn’t want you to know.
To know that deep inside,
I’m just as awful as the rest of them,
I just know how to hide.
Each time I see your smiling face,
I can’t help but smile back.
I’m sorry that the things I do
make your smiles go slack.
I don’t know how to tell you
that I don’t know how to love.
Love for me has always been
Shouts and threats from up above.
I still haven’t found out a way.
A way to tell you that I can’t live without you.
It’s probably not the sexiest thing.
But I’m sorry, it’s true.
So same idea, not really a lot of questions for you guys.
What works?
What doesn't work?
What do you all think the story is about?
What was the most powerful thing in the piece, in your opinion?
Hey, John. Hope you're keeping, here in the plague times.
What works best for me is the emotion of the piece. Personally, I think love's a hard thing to get right in writing. It often comes off either as insincere and forced, or insubstantial and saccharine. But your poem works, because it's about something kind of messy, something that's not too pretty to look at. Honesty is the most valuable tool a writer has, I think, and your poem is honest about the ugly parts of relationships--whatever their nature--without being fatalist. Your poem says it's never too late.
I'm not sure how productive this advice is going to be, since it's such a major revision, but personally, I'm not a fan of the rhyming. I can see the poem struggling to force words that fit into it ("I can't help but smile back/make your smiles go slack") and I think it's making some pretty serious subject matter less serious. Maybe that's your intention--you could also make a case about how such a heavily structured poem for such messy feelings is a good use of contrast--but personally, I want to see a looser version of this poem.
I feel most strongly that the poem is "about" a romantic relationship, but I'm less interested in a definite story that the idea the poem is addressing--so, in that sense, what the poem is really about is failure, and vulnerability. I love vulnerability--I think it's one of the strongest tools we have for all communication, not only poetry, so I'm thrilled this poem so strongly addresses it. The speaker isn't the person they want to be. They have a hard time with vulnerability. But they're trying. They're succeeding, or else this poem wouldn't be here. This poem is the speaker allowing themself to be vulnerable.
Other than what I just spoke about up in 3, I would say the following lines: "I'm not the person you thought I was/Love for me has always been/shouts and threats from above/It's probably not the sexiest thing/But, I'm sorry, it's true." These are the lines that most strongly express the speaker's dissatisfaction with themselves, and the vulnerability they're showing to the receiver of this poem.