Hey, John. Hope you're keeping, here in the plague times.

1. What works best for me is the emotion of the piece. Personally, I think love's a hard thing to get right in writing. It often comes off either as insincere and forced, or insubstantial and saccharine. But your poem works, because it's about something kind of messy, something that's not too pretty to look at. Honesty is the most valuable tool a writer has, I think, and your poem is honest about the ugly parts of relationships--whatever their nature--without being fatalist. Your poem says it's never too late.

2. I'm not sure how productive this advice is going to be, since it's such a major revision, but personally, I'm not a fan of the rhyming. I can see the poem struggling to force words that fit into it ("I can't help but smile back/make your smiles go slack") and I think it's making some pretty serious subject matter less serious. Maybe that's your intention--you could also make a case about how such a heavily structured poem for such messy feelings is a good use of contrast--but personally, I want to see a looser version of this poem.

3. I feel most strongly that the poem is "about" a romantic relationship, but I'm less interested in a definite story that the idea the poem is addressing--so, in that sense, what the poem is really about is failure, and vulnerability. I love vulnerability--I think it's one of the strongest tools we have for all communication, not only poetry, so I'm thrilled this poem so strongly addresses it. The speaker isn't the person they want to be. They have a hard time with vulnerability. But they're trying. They're succeeding, or else this poem wouldn't be here. This poem is the speaker allowing themself to be vulnerable.

4. Other than what I just spoke about up in 3, I would say the following lines: "I'm not the person you thought I was/Love for me has always been/shouts and threats from above/It's probably not the sexiest thing/But, I'm sorry, it's true." These are the lines that most strongly express the speaker's dissatisfaction with themselves, and the vulnerability they're showing to the receiver of this poem.

Yeah! A Rhyming poem! This poem is so powerful. I believe that it is simple and straight to the point. I think the story of this poem is for someone who has always had difficulty in love. To me although they are apologizing, it is not an apology that is sincere. To me it is more like, "I'm sorry but that is just the way I am." Overall, I find that this poem is compelling because I feel like it is speaking to me. Almost as if you were directing it in our direction. Great poem!

Hi John!

For me the first and last stanzas are working. I'm very drawn in to this idea of the made up man. I think I'd like to see that developed more. Also I love this idea that this emotional vulnerability is not sexy. That could be a whole poem.

The rhyme isn't working for me. It's hard to take these direct rhymes seriously as contemporary poetry has moved so far away from that. But if you are going to do rhymes, I think you want to bring your reader an element of surprise. I got that a little bit in "back" and "slack" because that wasn't expected. There's a kind of pleasure and showmanship when you are like, yeah, I just rhymed "orange" with "door hinge."

The poem reads kind of like a guy ashamed of his emotions maybe speaking to someone he doesn't think will appreciate the emotions.

Honestly, I think the most powerful part is "It’s probably not the sexiest thing." This poem has a lot of vulnerability in it, but some of it is a little "expected." This line, though, opened up a whole new original angle for me. I'd really like to see that played out more.

You've got a breadth of styles/angles in your work! Nice work!

John, I loved how vulnerable this poem was. I was getting some very strong feelings of remorse and pain that were pretty steady throughout. I agree with Taylor about the lines that did not work well for the poem, especially the last line. It just didn't flow well with it and I really wanted to see a strong line that revealed something or wrapped it all up well. I loved the rhyme in it though, I think music is always a great way to help with the flow in a poem and bring attention to certain details. I really enjoyed this poem! Great job!!

Hi John,

The first couple stanza's.... wow! I feel like this poem was definitely written from the heart and I definitely can feel the emotion/pain in these sentences. I also enjoy the rhythm throughout the entire poem. To me, it seemed like it was about a significant other and not being good enough for them or something along those lines. The last couple lines definitely got to me and it made me feel something. I think this is the most I have ever seen you open up in a poem and it not be funny or happy.

John,

I really loved this poem, it is probably the most vulnerable one I have seen you write. In terms of feedback: 1. One of the pieces of this poem that are working for me, of course, is the rhyming of the second and fourth lines of each stanza. I think it works for adding rhythm and music to your poem. Your tone is somber and hurting, but the rhyming adds this extra element that makes the lines fit together better. I also think it was smart to only rhyme every other line, it doesn't overdo it for me or make it cliché. Another thing working for me is your indirection; I can't exactly tell what the problem is or what version of yourself you claim to have made up "on the fly", but I like not knowing.

2. A couple things not working for me are the little words that mess up the flow for me, for example, "Because I didn't want you to know./ To know that deep inside", the repetition of "to know" in those two separate lines, back to back, tripped me up. One other thing not working for me, and I apologize now, is your final line. You prepared me for a mic drop and I felt like that last line did not hit me as hard as it could have, maybe by slightly editing it, one last bit of vulnerability could strengthen that.

3. For me, the story is about a person who is very in love with someone and is struggling to keep them happy; they may not see themselves as enough or as the person that their significant other needs. But, they need that person, and part of them hopes they will stay.

4. The most powerful pieces of this poem are the first and final stanzas, because the first hints at the issue, the root of the problem. The last stanza is so vulnerable and honest, how could it not rip your heart out, ya know.

Sorry, for the long response, I wanted to make sure I got all of your questions. Nice job!

Yo!

I like the rhyming! This poem seems to grapple with the idea of truth which was compelling. A strong image that stood out to me was in the fourth stanza, "Shouts and threats from above." The poem made a lot more sense to me after that line. There was also an elusiveness to this poem that kept me intrigued. Evoked idea's that couldn't necessarily be pinned down which was interesting. Well done.

I think this whole poem is powerful. I love its build up and simplicity, and how it works with the somber tone and subtle music. It really makes the subject matter all the more impactful. I think it's probably about a romantic relationship and the expectations on the speaker. It's a subject everyone can relate to and its hard hitting. The only thing I thought maybe didn't totally blend was the word 'sexiest' because I perceive the word sexy as somewhat playful and it doesn't really match the tone. Otherwise, I felt it all flowed really well and created a distinct distressed moment.