The feedback that i would like for my poem is the gate you entered into it from, what aspects of it stand out the most, what works in the poem and what doesn't really work. I personally thought it kind of sounded like something from a children's book but that may just be the rhymes? I'd love to hear thoughts on that though. Also I'd like to hear any general comments or suggestions. Thanks so much and I hope everyone is staying safe!
I LIKE TO LAY OUTSIDE AT NIGHT
By Ella Schoening
I like to lay outside at night
Staring off into the stars.
The shining lights call out to me
To explore the space afar.
I wonder what it’s like up there,
Do the planets feel alone?
Does the darkness feel as scary
As it does down here at home?
I’ve never cared much for the dark,
For the things it hid in shadows.
But there are no monsters in the stars
Only gods and kings and heroes.
I want to run with the little bear
And ride a winged horse,
To fly with the fiery dragon
And sail by Jason’s course.
So I fix my eyes up to the sky
And slowly drift asleep.
For I have no gifts or special talents
But these tales are mine to keep.
This made me smile reading it. I love the second stanza the most. The last stanza was a really strong ending to me and definitely made it feel like a children's book or one of those bedtime prayers. So cute. So good. I can't tell if I feel nostalgic reading this or if I feel like I'm reading it through the eyes of a little girl or boy but I love it because I still relate to it. If I had to suggest anything, I would say the third stanza didn't flow as well or feel as musical as the others as I read it. Love this poem!!!!
Hi Ella,
I loved the music in your poem. I definitely entered through the gate of sound. Personally, I love rhyme scheme, even though some find it childish, so I wasn't bothered by that at all. There is a clear, serene tone that's complemented by the youthful feeling. It made me nostalgic and calm. The last stanza is really strong. I love how it ends the poem on the note that at least you have the stories. I think I'd like to see more of you in it, similar to the last stanza, but it's still great how it is.
Ella, I enjoy this poem so much! I am not usually big on rhymes but I found that you make interesting word choices and it actually rhymes with words you would not think would rhyme. Additionally, I feel like the detail within this poem is very strong and it tells a story at the same time. It really does sound like a children's book but not in a bad way. It innocence and understanding all at the same time and I feel like the way you wrote it was beautiful! Thank you for sharing this with us.