Hey guys! Here is the link to the audio of my poem and I have a text version down below. I was really inspired by the split structure of the new year's poem we read in class and wanted to write something similar. I tend to be very vague in my writing so I want to make sure my poem actually makes sense. What details should I add / take away? What aspects should I explore more?
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Hello Ava,
Again, super sorry for the late responses lol oops. I love love love LOVE the use of color in your writing. Like I said in my other comment of your poem, I think using color is very smart in terms of voice and imagery. I felt like I was with you. I think something interesting to add in this poem is maybe the color yellow. Relationships can be seen as a stoplight ... the green light being good, red light being bad, yellow being cautious. Just a really weird idea haha, but I think maybe adding yellow in some sort of capacity would be very interesting. I loved the poem and I thought it was quite romantic. Good job!
hey ava!
i really loved that you incorporated the split structure within your poem and I really loved the descriptions you used. the contrast is pretty clear especially in the lines “green dripping down the ceiling” and “surrounded by the quiet beige walls.” the poem in general gave me the nostalgic feeling of the first time listening to a specific album and the memories and feelings that come back when you listen to it again, I really felt it in the first line. with that being said, I think you should try to incorporate more emotion within the poem, how you felt listening to the song for the first time vs how you feel now listening to it alone. I also think you should try to revise the second half of the poem and maybe add the lines “we listen to it...but now we only play it once“ to the first half of the poem instead and elaborate more on “instead I listen to it alone” as the second half, if that makes sense. i think it would make it more clear in terms of story, but also it works just the way it is so if you don’t like it then don’t change it. but I really did enjoy this poem :)