I tried to focus on imagery and sound when writing this. I was inspired by a few books I have read so while I feel like there could be an over-arching message/plot to this poem, I cannot tell what it is or what I want it to be. Due to that, I wasn't really sure how to end it. Let me know what you think about it or how it could improve!! I also don't know why I keep using this same format for my poems, maybe just because it is comfortable. Pls let me know how you guys get out of your comfort zone when writing. Also coming up with a title feels like I am writing an Instagram caption (which I hate) so I would love suggestions for a better title! Thanks!
Hi Gabby! I love the details in this poem. I also love how it runs on with lots of prepositions. Things seem to really "pile on" and I like that. I think the stanzas go against that feeling though. I might rework the line breaks/stanza breaks to allow the eye of the reader to just keep going without the pauses. I think there's space, too, for some of those really specific/personal details--like the lined paper and the bubbling pink wine--or maybe just staying more with those images. You could add more prepositions or just more details--maybe some tactile images--what did the paper feel like? the fizz of the wine? etc. The best advice I've heard about endings is to end on an image. I think a version of this poem could end on an image of the speaker. Or if you want to end on the boys (which I'm not a huge fan of. I feel like that gives some of the energy of the poem away) create an image for each of them.
I think this poem makes a lot of "sense" too. So you might want to come up with a fuzzier or weirder title. Is this a poem addressing a stranger? "Someone Asks to Borrow My Calculator"??? OR maybe to a person, "My Little Sister Turns 7"??? As for the comfort zone: I might try throwing in some similes in here and just being really wild about it. Like have a friend pick a random word, or the object closest to them. Then make a simile/metaphor out of it. Next to me is an empty cappuccino cup. "Sun bleached sneakers stained like the inside of a coffee cup, café au lait." For me the magic of this poem is the piling on of images on top of (and under and over and around) other images. I think you could do that even more. Nice work!