Hi James! Great storytelling and details about the she in this poem!! I'd be careful throwing allusions to greek mythology in there because they are used so much already. You could do a "O Brother Where Art Thou" kind of thing. I think you are already doing that to some degree. Like maybe instead of the man tying himself to the mast pole like in the myth the man could stand against a light pole or fence post by the pool. Maybe the sea in the myth is the name of town or a county. Do you know what I mean? Use details in the scene of your story to be similar to recognizable elements of the myth. Maybe the good ole boy picks the wax in his ears. As for music, I'd try too literally put more oohs and aahs in. You've got ooh of pool already. Also tooth. As for the ending. I get it. I might end on an image, rather than an idea. What might show that she has it covered. Maybe an image of her hands under the water or something. What's a siren like anyway? Does she have a fish tail for legs? A hideous face with shark teeth but hot body? Maybe there's a detail that your siren has that isn't in the myth at all. Like eyes that she can pop in and out or something. For me the magic of this poem is the tension. How quickly the roles seem to get reversed and she becomes the "predator" and he the "prey." Nice work!

Hello James,

Immediately I was intrigued by your very first stanza. I love the imagery and the specificity within you brought within this piece. I also love the idea of you placing dialogue within a poem, it makes everything seem very real for me. It was quite cinematic for me. I think it would be quite interesting to zoom in more on the male figure within this poem. What's going on inside of his head when she does all this to him? Overall, I thought this poem was amazing and I really enjoyed listening/reading it.

hey james,

I really really loved this poem. I actually liked how you didn't have any explicit allusions to the siren myth outside of the title, I think it made the allusion stronger. I like that you didn't have her sing in the poem. If you want to incorporate music in the poem maybe try looking into the meter of it? I always feel like its a great way to keep a subtle rhythm to the poem. Also maybe you could include more alliteration or internal rhymes in places you want to draw more attention to. Anyway good job on this it really is great!

I loved it!! Just by the first couple of lines with your words and description is so good! "curled like barbed wire". Honestly, I loved everything about this poem I don't think there is anything that I would change. This poem made me feel like I was there, it was very visual for me. So good!

Hi! I read your comments before I read the poem but I am pretty sure I would have still understood she was a siren if I hadn't. I think your ending is strong and pretty direct. I totally agree with everything Emma suggested. I like that the way the characters speak makes it feel like the '50s or '60s. I absolutely love the first stanza. Also, stanzas 3 and 6 are what lead me to believe she is a siren. The word scrambling is great because it adds a sense of panic and "ooohing and aahing" gave her that musical element.

Hey James! Most of your poems so far have dealt with your own experiences, so I like that you decided to write something out of your own perspective. I appreciate this poem and I think it is really cool, especially how you place the empowerment in the hands of the siren. I think adding more tension between her and the man would help the poem feel more fleshed out!

James! I so appreciate that you've delved into narrative poems in this workshop. This is so a well told story in very few lines. Great work! If you wanted to allude to the siren myth, I would either do it in the very beginning, before she is introduced, or at the very end, after she pulls him into the water. Anywhere in the middle might detract from the actual story. Also, I don't think the ending is too indirect. If anything, it may benefit from a bit more indirection. Good job!

Hi James,

This poem is really intriguing. I'm very interested in what the underlying message of the poem is. I found myself questioning the true meaning of the pool, regarding Sale City. Personally, I really liked the ending. If you want to make it stronger though, maybe you could use some dark imagery relating to water. Phrases like 'into the depths' or something? That might also help you incorporate more of the siren myth. For musicality, if you don't want to rhyme or repeat words, perhaps incorporate some more alliteration. Though this is already an interesting poem that I was engaged in without any added music.