I love the surprising spots of imagery in this poem. There's also a kind of music that starts for me with "spool." It's a strange-in-a-good way word choice. If it's narrative you are going for, you might try a little more "somebody wanted... but... so..." I think the narrative starts to be about someone wanting to know the other person. I'm not sure exactly what is standing in the way of that. What's the "but" there? They keep leaving? I'm not sure that's it because the "so" part of the narrative seems to be that they enter a domestic life together. For clearer narrative, we might need a better idea of who the speaker is or who is being spoken to--who the "you" is. I didn't really need a ton of narrative when I read this poem, though. I really enjoyed the way it sort of moved from still life to still life. I might do even more of that. There's a bird hopping on power-washed cement. What other "paintings" might appear in this journey. I think there's space for that where stanza 7 is. That's the magic in this poem for me, a careful guiding from one quiet image to the next. Nice work!

Hey, Ava. I think the strengths of your poem lie in image and emotion - a sort of tentative unease profusing a sleepy, domestic setting. The whole thing feels very sunshiny and soft, which I think works in your favor, as it's in contrast with the ennui you're hinting at beneath the surface. Phrases like "oatmeal colored" and "a bit gray" sound perfectly innocuous, but you've done well using these simple phrases to imply a lot.

As far as what I'd like to see more of in this poem, your images are strong, but I think they could be stronger - particularly in the first half of your poem. It's a little more abstract, less specific and embodied than the tangible objects more prevalent in the latter half. I'd like to see you develop that so that the poem is more evenly quality.

Hey Ava!! I love the voice and imagery you fused in this poem. I love the multitude of various colors you placed within the poem. I could see the contrast of "oatmeal" and "pearly". I agree with Christian. I think playing with color a bit more throughout this piece would give us more to grab onto. I thought overall it was beautiful, intimate, and full of life! Great work Ava!!

Hey Ava! Very intimate and content. I feel like there is some sort of quiet love being revealed. I like how the poem sort of dwells in the moment and the ordinary things. I also like how, for some reason, "grey" stands out at the end. I think it'd be cool if you play with color more as the piece sort of has a neutral color undertone. I love the title.

Hello Ava!

Great work, as always. I thought that this poem was almost surreal in a way, and I tried to enter it through a bunch of gates, and they all worked in some way. I think if I had to offer just one criticism it would be to add more to help me understand the story a bit more. Unless that takes a backseat to the capturing of this moment, in which case, great job! I very much enjoyed it.

I think you did a good job of encapsulating ideas with minimum use of words. The descriptive language throughout kept me interested. For example, "He hops on the pressure washed stone." This use of imagery sparked my imagination.

I really like the line "oatmeal colored couch." The imagery in this poem is really nice and it has a steady rhythm that makes it almost soothing, while also echoing that repitition/habit idea. Great work!

Hey!

I really love this poem. Especially the first three stanzas. I really like the idea of the person throwing back the curtain and would love to hear/see more of that. Narratively, I think the first through fifth stanzas are pretty clear but the last stanzas could be more clear. You could add more to the concept of the first few stanzas or clarify how they relate to the following ones? The imagery is cool because it makes me think of a bleak white and grey kitchen and I feel like the setting compliments/adds to the tone well. Great job!