Ella!

I'm loving this encounter with the father. I think this is so real and so unexpected. It's an "indirect" part of grief and mourning that isn't talked about or written about much. I'm drawn in through the gate of imagery at first. But then a kind of rhetoric becomes really powerful. I think you could bring a great phrase/image like the first line into the final stanza of the poem. Nice work!

Such a beautiful poem. It broke my heart at the end. I believe the story here is that our narrator is full of regret. There is so much they wanted to say but they couldn't. Now, they wish they had. I feel like often we linger on the "should've-could've" situations that we often find ourselves in. The story is clear. I was moved and the rest of our classmates can agree. I think maybe if you include your subject somehow in the first stanzas, for example, like in a way that shows the narrators admiration. We can see the infatuation that was never expressed throughout the poem. Hope I made sense. Thanks for sharing. I loved it.

hey ella! i thought this poem was really beautiful and clearly extremely personal. the voice throughout is really prominent and nostalgic. i personally think that you had a good enough mixture of ambiguity and story, which is also the gate that i entered through. in terms of feedback, i do agree with christian that ending with next time i'll be braver would compliment the ending a lot more. i do feel like the original ending adds an emphasis on the emotion that the speaker is feeling now and if you decide to keep it, it could possibly be reworked between the first two stanzas. thanks for sharing with us! :)

Hey Ella, this is gonna sound cliche but this is a very beautiful poem. I really really enjoyed this one. It doesn't feel regretful but more reminiscent and endearing. I can't help but feel there is a level of acceptance and appreciation from the author. Like a "don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened" kind of feeling. I was thinking of the song "tale as old as time" from Beauty and the Beast for some reason. I do feel like the last stanza is not needed. Just my suggestion. I think ending with "Next time I'll be braver" leaves it so open and compliments the friendship a lot more. Like it has a lasting effect on you and something you learned from this that you'll take forward. And we know that this "next time" won't necessarily be with him but you'll take him with you. I don't necessarily want you to say "I miss you" just because this feels injustice to the rest of the poem. We spent learning of all yall's good times, then we learn what happens, and then we should end with this tearful smile.

Hey Ella! This is a beautiful poem and I think you utilize grief in a powerful way. As other people have said, I think the ambiguity works in your favor and adds more emotional power to the final stanzas. I personally entered this poem through the gate of story, because you paint such a vivid picture of your life with this person in this first stanza. My only critique is I think the line that begins with "It was sneaking" and ends with "Pool" is too long and interrupts the flow of the poem. try splitting it up into two / multiple lines!

Ella,

I love how versatile your poems are. Some are so happy and uplifting and some beautifully express difficult feelings, like this one. I don't think it's too ambiguous at all. The poem does leave me wanting to hear more but I don't think that is a bad thing. The last line of the first stanza was really impactful and drastically shifted the tone of the poem for me. I think the last stanza is my favorite. So much emotion is packed into every word, I can hear the choked up voice speaking in my head. I love the contrast of the beautiful description of your time together with the frankness of the second half. I also love that I feel the regret of what could or should have been regarding the kiss and speaking to the dad without you saying it directly. Great poem <3

Hi Ella! Thank for sharing such a heavy poem with us. In the case of the ambiguity, I don't think it's too ambiguous, I think there is enough detail to relay the narrator's close relationship with the person who passed, but not too much where it makes the poem unrelatable. I entered this poem through the gate of my eyes, It reads like a letter and I really appreciate that stylistic choice. I think the lines, "Ever since your funeral // This town no longer feels like home" are the strongest. They're like a punch to the gut, very very powerful. Great job! And again, thanks for sharing!

Hello Ella,

Thank you for sharing this poem. I think you did a very great job creating imagery that helped me visualize a super clear story in my head. I could see every scene very clearly in my mind's eye, even the ones with a little more ambiguity, like the line "I saw your dad when I was at work yesterday". There wasn't any more description needed, but I still visualized both the speaker and the dad somewhere. I think you did a really great job!