Arielle!

I just read this poem in your portfolio, and I'm really blown away by the imagery in it! If you are looking for advise on your final stanza, you might want to try an almost complete look away. Maybe the final stanza is a scene completely outside of Florida ending on an image that is also not Florida. But somewhere in that stanza you could hint at a Florida detail you've already written about. In any case, I think it's one of your best poems. Nice work!

Hi there, Arielle. I hope you're doing as well as you can with the quarantine.

I definitely see your attention to detail with this poem--you mention story, but I think where this poem really shines is image. There's a lot of specific imagery here that, as you intend, conjures up a wistful, sense-rooted feeling of days long gone--the ashy, prickly smoke of cigarettes and the manufactured sweetness of fruit drinks and candy. This stuff hits that nice butter zone of being specific enough to attain universality--I've had the same kind of experiences, after all--without being alienating. Good work, there.

I think the what you're missing in the third stanza is that specificity. The third stanza is more focused on feelings rather than the experience of making that drive alone. You can express that loss and loneliness just by focusing on the sense experience, which I think will fill out and liven up your poem, as well as make all three stanzas more even, level, and consistent with each other. There are a couple of minor spots in the other stanzas you could touch up this way, as well--I'm thinking of "the places where you hung out as a kid", "and the vexing feelings", and "our favorite playlists." These are all a little more general/abstract, lacking in the bite that is otherwise so prevalent in your poem.

Hi! I thought all the detail throughout the poem was great! I definitely could feel the emotion throughout the poem, the beginning seemed so happy and care free and as we got to the end it felt that you were looking back on all the good memories you had made and things just weren't the same which felt a little heartbreaking. I enjoyed this poem a lot! Great work.

*Sizzle* on the great detail Arielle ! It is so crazy cause I just watched the Florida Project and I felt like you were telling a story (not the same but in visuals). This poem is so nostalgic. There are things that you once had that you appreciated but also miss now that they are gone. The last stanza is just fine. I find that you did so well on that because at the beginning of the poem it was admiring these beautiful things but then we see that there was this moment where it doesn't last forever. In short, it is bittersweet. Thank you for sharing this with us!

Hi Arielle,

I agree with Taylor that your details really make this a fully fleshed out and personal piece. I loved the sensory details in the first stanza. Words like 'gulp' and 'curating' really grabbed my attention in the way they're paired with everyday things such as playlists and fruit punch. Your details took on a special meaning and really brought me into the moments being described. Regarding the third stanza and the ending, I didn't pick up you were blocked but I do feel that the third stanza could use a little more flair. The first stanza was very strong and created the scene so well, so I'd just suggest you approach the third stanza in a similar way. Adding some more unique details might help make it a more solid conclusion. Otherwise, I thought it was an awesome poem.

Arielle,

I would say your attention to detail definitely paid off. I loved the lines where you talked about the music you listened to and the big gulps and sour gummy worms. Also, the stale smoke in the air was another great descriptor. It sounds like a dreamy moment to revisit as you grow up, one of those times when you felt free. I felt like I was living the moment with you and I think you leave just enough out to make me wonder the significance of the people in the car and who is it that no longer has the polaroid. Your story and imagery is strong and I think I can see you hit that block when you try to write your third stanza. You felt closed off in the final stanza, like you were trying to put a feeling into words you couldn't find. My advice for writing that third stanza is to dig a little deeper, particularly, build on the line that says "and the polaroid of me in your car is gone". I felt a significance in that line and I think if you built on the way it made you feel or even what you're doing now instead of the fun things you did on the trip, you could break past that wall into the significance of that moment. I think it's important to remember to show, not tell your reader. You told me that the person doesn't have the polaroid anymore, show me how it makes you feel--if you want, just a thought. It's a wonderful poem Arielle!