https://soundcloud.com/mat-wenzel/original-poem To at least one of my committee members, this poem stood out from my manuscript as being too opaque or linked to personal details that no one else understands. In which lines might you agree or disagree with them? What lines/words stood out to you? What would you like to see more of? (or less?) Thanks everyone! This is our final "workshop" so make sure all the poems from the 4 workshops are getting feedback!
WHEN THE TIME OF SEPARATION HAS BEEN COMPLETED
Bare, I hand them the honeycomb, its
honey dripping from ribs hangs beardlike
from the boney rack.
They have not been eating, sleeping in
their boots, the stone the builders
and sculptors rejected.
Nude, in the morning, they hold themself
in their hand cupped, a grapeleaf
of flesh, singing the uncouth.
Matt,
I think the imagery of this poem is incredible. The description of the honeycomb as being rib-like and honey dripping down like a beard was a unique detail that worked perfectly here because I could see exactly what you were describing. I also think that this poem is really indirect, leaving me with questions about who or what this is about. However, this indirection could be too thick and leaving your reader with too many questions. In particular, the first stanza, while beautiful, doesn't feel connected to the rest of the poem. I'm not understanding what the honey is doing in this poem and what its role is to the builders. I feel as though the usage of the words "bare" and "nude" are supposed to be hinting at something sensual but it's unclear to me. The second stanza, on the other hand, does feel clear to me, it's pointing me in a direction where I feel I can gather some understanding of what this poem is getting at. I think that I just find myself asking too many questions about the nature of this poem, and indirection, of course, is a good thing, but when I stop thinking about the beauty of your imagery, I am confused about the connection between the images. I think I would love to see you build on the second stanza because that is where I see myself developing more of an understanding of your poem. Also, I love the imagery of the first stanza and I think you couldn't possibly have too much of it. Really amazing work! (Please don't fail me for my honest criticism 😬 haha).
Hi Mat! This poem is beautifully written, that's for sure. I can see where your committee member is coming from, but, I don't think it's too opaque or too personal, I think it might fall somewhere in the middle. I don't understand exactly what moment you're talking about, but like Gabby, I can kind of take the emotion from the poem and apply it to my own life. My favorite lines of the poem are "in their hand cupped, a grapeleaf
of flesh, singing the uncouth." Great job!
Hi Mat,
To be honest this poem completely baffles me. It feels so entranced in a particular moment. It also has this impression that it's this moment is a long time coming - there is such a larger context behind it that makes it so personal. I honestly don't want to know the intended truth, because I like what I've interpreted from it. I'm not sure who "them" and "they" is, but it feels earnest. The author sounds in love with "them" in a concerned way, not necessarily romantic. The lines "they have not been eating, sleeping in their boots" conveys this feeling like "they" belongs, in some way, to the author - like the author has responsibility to this person. I love the first stanza with the description of the dripping honey. Even in 3 lines it feels like it takes its time to draw out the moment.
Mat,
I don't think this is too opaque or personal. Though I do see where they are coming from. The close intimate moment you are describing is so unfamiliar and specific it feels like you are creating a brand new emotion I have never felt yet. I don't know what you are referring to but as I imagine it I am rewriting my own somewhat similar memories through this "emotional lens" or something. I like that I don't really know what you are talking about but I feel it anyways. The word beardlike really stood out to me. Honey dripping from the ribcage of honeycomb like a beard.... a honey beard. I love the idea of the honeycomb as a boney rack and beardlike takes it to a whole new level. That stanza really inspired me. The second stanza reminded me of Richard Siken. The third stanza is cool too. If anything, I would like to see more closeness and more stanzas.
Hello Mat!
I will be honest, I was trying to turn on my poet brain to really understand this poem. I think the lines that stood out to me the most was in the first stanza: "...its / honey dripping from ribs hangs beardlike / from the boney rack." For some reason the comparison of a honeycomb as a ribcage was really interesting, but I thought it worked! It's like the whole hive that it came from is a living being, breathing and pulsing with life, but the removal of the honeycomb injured it somehow. The italicized lines in the second stanza also stood out to me as well, though I will admit my poet brain couldn't locate their purpose. Great job, Mat!