https://soundcloud.com/mat-wenzel/original-poem To at least one of my committee members, this poem stood out from my manuscript as being too opaque or linked to personal details that no one else understands. In which lines might you agree or disagree with them? What lines/words stood out to you? What would you like to see more of? (or less?) Thanks everyone! This is our final "workshop" so make sure all the poems from the 4 workshops are getting feedback!
WHEN THE TIME OF SEPARATION HAS BEEN COMPLETED
Bare, I hand them the honeycomb, its
honey dripping from ribs hangs beardlike
from the boney rack.
They have not been eating, sleeping in
their boots, the stone the builders
and sculptors rejected.
Nude, in the morning, they hold themself
in their hand cupped, a grapeleaf
of flesh, singing the uncouth.
Matt,
I think the imagery of this poem is incredible. The description of the honeycomb as being rib-like and honey dripping down like a beard was a unique detail that worked perfectly here because I could see exactly what you were describing. I also think that this poem is really indirect, leaving me with questions about who or what this is about. However, this indirection could be too thick and leaving your reader with too many questions. In particular, the first stanza, while beautiful, doesn't feel connected to the rest of the poem. I'm not understanding what the honey is doing in this poem and what its role is to the builders. I feel as though the usage of the words "bare" and "nude" are supposed to be hinting at something sensual but it's unclear to me. The second stanza, on the other hand, does feel clear to me, it's pointing me in a direction where I feel I can gather some understanding of what this poem is getting at. I think that I just find myself asking too many questions about the nature of this poem, and indirection, of course, is a good thing, but when I stop thinking about the beauty of your imagery, I am confused about the connection between the images. I think I would love to see you build on the second stanza because that is where I see myself developing more of an understanding of your poem. Also, I love the imagery of the first stanza and I think you couldn't possibly have too much of it. Really amazing work! (Please don't fail me for my honest criticism 😬 haha).